Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Failure to Launch.

I have reached that age in life when friends are thinking very seriously about getting married. A few are already married and it is becoming difficult to treat them as exceptions. Every couple of months a friend calls and tells me how she is engaged and while I am elated for her, I hate that question - so when do you think you'll get married ? I always answer this with the incredulity this question deserves alongwith a general level of excitement for her impending nuptials. After the same debate about how marriage is all about companionship my friends ultimately tell me - when you meet the right person of course you will change your mind. If they are close friends they know that this is something I don't really do. I don't meet anyone let alone actually know enough men romantically to categorize them as 'right' and 'wrong'.

I have a general inability to perform or even exist in the romantic sphere. It is not that in some dimension I don't want to, it's just that I was never any good at it and I don't meet anyone I like. Any man whom I genuinely like I immediately relegate to that sphere of asexuality which exists I think only in my head. I stopped even thinking about this but recently the pointed questions have made me feel as though I am a little abnormal in my behavior.

I want to believe that one day I will want love. For the longest time I labelled this period as the time when I would magically drop half my body weight and then tada! I would be in the market for love. Of course this has also undergone transformation. I have seen girls bigger than me who are very adept at loving and being loved. I am grown up enough to realize that those who can love do love no matter what their body size, course load or career opportunities may be.

I have thought a lot about this, in bits and pieces over the years. It has been so long since I even liked someone. To just see a man and want him would be a welcome change right now. I must be crazy but I would really be glad with even a tale of unrequited love in my life right now. It would at least add a newer dimension to my complete failure to launch in this unexplored realm.

I see love as a very simple thing - loving someone is when you want to try. When you love someone enough you want to try to make it work. You want to to try to compromise and you don't give up. It is like another exam. Love is not sex (though from what I have heard it sounds amazing) but it is liking someone enough that you change routines for this person. You want to find a way to be a part of this person's life even if it means slightly altering yours. It means fighting to find a middle path.

I want to believe that someday the urge to love someone romantically will just naturally pop up in my subconscious. I believe that I won't mind being an unrequited lover that day if only I could bring myself to care. How am I ever supposed to write anything if I don't experience heart break and pain ?

Knowing myself a little bit now, I think I am going to skip this dimension altogether. Someone will have to be truly adorable and very hell bent on loving me for me to decide to even think about this entire mess. Till then I will sit this one out. I am quite willing to be an immovable object on which a force of extreme magnitude must act.

I would make a great aunt anyway. I can be your spinster friend who looks after your kids in her spare time. If I can't be good at everything and can't have everything I am glad that the one thing I miss is romantic love. It seems pretty unimportant to me till now.

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Core Principles.

Everything in life will teach you that what you always thought you were is not true. Of course, you have to be a narcissist like me to dwell on these life lessons. When all truths are subjective then everything has to be based on a set of beliefs. 

Something happened to me this last week which has forced me to turn into a sniveling version of myself looking for reconciliation and reconfirmation of who I am as a person. I want to initiate a process of systematic recognizance of what are my core beliefs about who I am as a person. 

1.) I honestly believe that I am good person and every unkind word I have ever uttered, I have taken back with a sense of immediacy. My sister is very good at fighting and she keeps telling me that sometimes you should fight with people. Every time I have attempted to fight I have always come off worse for wear. This has led me to realize that I am incapable of having a real fight with anyone. So many friends I have lost to time but I want to state it here that I love all of you even today and when I think I only think of all the good things. Sometimes it is hard to remember all the good stuff because it makes the bad stuff stand out in stark relief. It is a defeat of two people who were ultimately good but somehow lost sight of all that goodness in each other. 

2.)  I also believe that I have extreme notions about life. Temperate feelings are not my forte. It makes me a very difficult person to love at times. I want to live my life with this code at least. I don't want to change this about me.  A friend recently told me that I can never be a good friend because I am extremely judgemental. I want to believe that this is not true but maybe I am not the right judge for this. I do have this code of things that I feel I will never do and nothing will force me to do the same. Maybe my extremely sheltered life has not allowed the right motivations to form which could tip me over. I will continue to hold onto my standards and reasons till I find a good enough reason to change my basic character. I want to say to this friend though that while your though process is allowed alteration when acted upon by an extreme force, there have to be some codes that you follow in your relationships - otherwise what is the point of forming the same ? At least take the time to explain to someone who loves you what has changed to acclimate them to the same. I feel that this is love. If I love you and I feel you don't understand me I will make as much effort as I can to make you understand me. Don't judge others while you call them judgemental. 

3.) I think I am not very well equipped to deal with this life. I don't think I am going to be very good at life in that meandering sphere of diplomacy and half truths. I don't want to mask my feelings about anything. This must mean that very often life and people will leave me behind. God has given me the strength to meet new people and live alone. I know I will be alright even if life and people beat me at every turn. At the end of the day, you have to be okay with yourself. You have to know something makes sense to you. 

4.) I also believe that I love very honestly and truly. That makes me worth the mind numbing pain I will sometimes cause you. If you let me love you, you won't regret it. God has been very kind to me in always introducing me to extremely amazing people. I would not replace even one of them. They are so kind to me to have put up with me, sometimes humoured me and very often truly loved me for who I am. I admire and respect that about all the people in my life. I am pretty sure I tell these people the same thing all the time so it won't come as a surprise. 

5.) I am very stupid and emotional and sensitive. I wish I could change this about myself but I don't know who I would be if I wasn't this person. I think it is adorable at times how much I have not changed in all these years. Life and God have been very kind to allow me to preserve this part of myself. There have been rude awakenings but they have been few and far in between. Most of the times, they do get sorted. 

I wanted to write this out because sometimes you have to tell yourself that you are alright. Sometimes you have to tell yourself that you cannot help but go on and tell yourself you are not in the wrong, at least for yourself. Only you can sort out your head and accept that sometimes you cannot go and make people understand that they are wrong about you. You must trust in yourself because it is quite possible that sometimes no one else will. Thankfully that point has not arrived yet. For every dissenter to your behavioral doctrine, be thankful for all those who tell you that you are alright. 

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Oh my God - I just read one of the first posts I ever wrote on this blog and I came across a sentence where I have spelled BOOK as BUK. It wasn't even like the many typos I am prone to always make - I did it purposely.

I will call Mariyam up tomorrow. I have no right to be mean to her because she still talks like that. I did too at some point of time.

If it wasn't for the memories (even the horrible ones) I would delete this blog. I hate myself - I want to go back in the past and slap myself so hard that I never ever write again. This is of course to difficult to put into practice right now because I have to write a term paper - which is of course why I am here trying to read old blogs which are making me cringe.

This is so disgusting. You should only be allowed to hate one tense of yourself - hating your past and present tense selves both means that I will soon kill myself. The future cannot be good obviously.