Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Blob and Blocks of Love

This is the blog where I write the same thoughts on love in different words. This is THAT blog. When I first started writing this blog , I wanted to alienate this 'girly' part of myself from my very teenage grey blog of stories . I love those stories - every time I want to start writing in a new fashion , I have to start a new blog because I live in parts. This part and that piece - they can never meet. I generally don't reflect , or think a lot about the choices I subconsciously make. Because I let my instincts guide that part of my life. Too much contemplation can ruin you. Or so I think. So on this LOVE AND GIRLY (A different subset of my brand of femininity )BLOG I want to be honest today. Recently , I had a long talk with one of my friends who gave me the advice of letting go, speaking out and being free. Before he said it to me , I never thought of myself as someone who was not free . If you have ever met me , or read what I write - I am so INCREDIBLY LOUD that it is impossible to think of me as someone who is suppressed or subjugated. After thinking a lot about it , I finally realized that I am emotionally very vulnerable. There are so many people who hurt me to such extent and then pretend as if they did not even do anything. And I suppress that hurt. Because that is another part , and that can be dealt with on a later day. I want to let everyone I love know - I am putting it out there , that if you try to hurt me now , you will be thrown out of my life . There are no second chances - you are the part that I will amputate. A person who lives in parts like I do has an extensive attachment to memories and the past . All the love you suppressed comes to the surface whenever you summon that part . It is so difficult for me to ever stop loving anyone. Even people who probably never loved me. This blog of love throws my blob of love onto the faces of all those pretenders and counterfeiters. People who live in parts unfortunately do not love partially. It is a very concentrated love where all the love looks like a block of shining brightness. Let me be now. If you don't love me now please leave me be. I can push you down so easily and live comfortably but every time you pretend once more that it wasn't wrong what happened between you and me , you wrench that part out of me and all the love that you don't deserve makes me forgive you. Today I am trying to talk about myself. More than YOU. You will have to love me the same way I love you in order to deserve my love . I am going to throw it in the open - so that next time you do something you should not have , you are thrown away with that love. I am free in my act of not loving you or hating you anymore. You may leave now. There will be no need for goodbyes. You know who all you are - GET OUT ! GET OUT ! GET OUT .

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Growing Pains

One of the most difficult things I have ever had to face is trying to maintain some sort of interest in myself. Every time I grow , I feel so much contempt for the person I had been just before. Growing up is a difficult process. It takes so much out of you that you feel a little bit of resentment for the slightly whole version of yourself you just lost. Missing pieces and memories like shards of glass prick you reminding you of everything that you gave up in trying to be someone else. Satisfaction is an ideal that no one ever achieves. This constant charade of changing people , mutating feelings keeps one hungry and dissatisfied. I have been trying to write about this for a long time. But the words just don't come anymore. Paradise is not only lost forever but it burnt down long ago. So much dissatisfaction , so much angst and ever so much pain. Does growing up ever really end ? And is it necessarily a good thing ? I want to believe that the bright painful light I am chasing and forever walking towards will ultimately stop getting brighter so that I will finally be able to see where I am. My eyes never get a chance to adjust as the light keeps changing , growing brighter and brighter. How white is white enough ? Will there ever be a moment where it would feel right? When the pain would end ? I fear I don't even register the minutely increasing stabs of pain now. It almost feels as if I am running , wanting something which I don't even quite want. It would be nice to see and nicer still to go blind. It hurts to live in a haze with no purity of white or black . Much as we complicate everything and put things beyond definitions, it only deepens the gray , forever giving me hope that one end of the spectrum of colours is now near. Growing up is harder than I thought it would be . I know now the immense potential that this 'journey' offers. A potential that will never let you be . It will only keep you moving , forever dissatisfied and hungry. "Why did you wait so long to find me ?"