Saturday, April 13, 2013

Growing Pains

One of the most difficult things I have ever had to face is trying to maintain some sort of interest in myself. Every time I grow , I feel so much contempt for the person I had been just before. Growing up is a difficult process. It takes so much out of you that you feel a little bit of resentment for the slightly whole version of yourself you just lost. Missing pieces and memories like shards of glass prick you reminding you of everything that you gave up in trying to be someone else. Satisfaction is an ideal that no one ever achieves. This constant charade of changing people , mutating feelings keeps one hungry and dissatisfied. I have been trying to write about this for a long time. But the words just don't come anymore. Paradise is not only lost forever but it burnt down long ago. So much dissatisfaction , so much angst and ever so much pain. Does growing up ever really end ? And is it necessarily a good thing ? I want to believe that the bright painful light I am chasing and forever walking towards will ultimately stop getting brighter so that I will finally be able to see where I am. My eyes never get a chance to adjust as the light keeps changing , growing brighter and brighter. How white is white enough ? Will there ever be a moment where it would feel right? When the pain would end ? I fear I don't even register the minutely increasing stabs of pain now. It almost feels as if I am running , wanting something which I don't even quite want. It would be nice to see and nicer still to go blind. It hurts to live in a haze with no purity of white or black . Much as we complicate everything and put things beyond definitions, it only deepens the gray , forever giving me hope that one end of the spectrum of colours is now near. Growing up is harder than I thought it would be . I know now the immense potential that this 'journey' offers. A potential that will never let you be . It will only keep you moving , forever dissatisfied and hungry. "Why did you wait so long to find me ?"

2 Comments:

Sanjukta said...

I almost don't know what to put in the comment but just to let you know, I love how it feels like your post is just my own feelings about growing up put into words. I love growing up but I feel I am leaving behind a little part of me everyday..a part that I don't necessarily want to change sighh

By the way, came back here after ages again and still loveee it. I really hope you become author a book someday..I swear I'll buy it! :)

PHOTOGENIC DEVIL said...

You have really good timing Sanjukta. I needed to feel good about myself today , and you dropping by have managed to do just that. I want you to know I really really appreciate and love you reading my stuff.

p.s. I wish I could write a book. Shit never happens to me and I guess you need some sort of experience to write about , but I will definitely try :)